IN HIS TIME, And I wait, and I keep trying and I will have to do what I do not want to do..

My last two and a half jobs have been nothing short of a nightmare; leaving me  weak and utter in despair to plunge more fiercely into what I love: Art, being present at home, having my own schedule and being free. Yet, as I have learned very few businesses happen overnight with the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It is lots of  investment, fierce competition that pushes you to know you need to improve more and more,  lots of work to create, present it, adverse it, promote it and put yourself out there. That last part is probably the hardest for me, the risky business of showing the work that comes from your soul and having it be critiqued or possibly rejected or ignored. Some days I put all my supplies away and neatly assembled, as a symbol that I am done; only to take it out an hour later because I felt an urge to paint one more thing.

It’s a world of dreams, time stops and all that matters are the colored brush  strokes putting my soul on paper. I wish I didn’t have to stop, then reality wouldn’t press in like it does ” this is not paying the bills heidi, in fact, it is putting the bills behind,  go get online and KEEP LOOKING FOR A JOB” and so I do…

” Looking for energetic individual” the add reads..nope, not me. Looking for leader qualities and outgoing, positive individual” nope to me. ” Great organizational skills, high speed person, enthusiastic” definitely not me; well wait.. all jobs require some of that.. ‘hmm ok I’ll fake it and act like I am, hmm that hasn’t worked  for very long in the past”..and then the dreams come again,  wishing I could do my own thing; wishing I didn’t have to constantly try to belong somewhere where I don’t feel like I belong, just because I HAVE TO. I try to shove the thoughts away. So it goes on and on. And as the bills get behind, I find myself  closer and closer with what I am desperately trying to avoid and dreading ” take the job at the daycare 30 minutes away, full time, the job that has the potential to give me horrible panic attacks like it has in the past” time ticks and the only choice I seem to have closes in.. oh Jesus I don’t want to, but  your will,  not my own”

The gentle motivation never stops though, I keep hoping God will move mountains, that miracles can happen, that something I love will take off, that He hears my prayer and cry, that my efforts won’t be futile, and that because we are close to Disney world dreams can come true.. :P, like the clocks says: In His time.

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2 thoughts on “IN HIS TIME, And I wait, and I keep trying and I will have to do what I do not want to do..

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